ips for Glamorous Gardening

I cut the grass this Saturday. Every last blade. Well, it felt like that anyway. I, you see, am a beginner gardener. A novice. A complete rank amateur. I came to gardening the hard way - when the grass in my back garden got to be so long I started to worry that Shergar could be hiding in there. It was time for action.

When I first decided to take up gardening, I hadn't anticipated the pure PAIN that would be involved. I'd pictured myself as a more glamorous Charlie Dimmock - one with makeup and better clothes. Also: underwear. Kind of like Gardening Barbie. But no. It was not to be.

I live in Scotland. Want to know a secret about Scotland? It rains. A lot. My first gardening tip, therefore, is a simple one:

1. Don't cut the grass when it's wet.
Well, not unless you want to develop upper arms like Schwarzenegger anyway. After ten minutes of pushing a heavy piece of machinery (a Flymo) across a soaking wet lawn, every muscle in my body was screaming in pain. Muscles I didn't even know I HAD were screaming in pain. Cutting wet grass is not for the fainthearted, let me tell you.

In Scotland, though, wet grass is the only kind of grass there is. I soldiered on bravely, squelching my way through the mud. Yes, mud. Grass + rain = mud. My second tip, therefore:

2. Wear your oldest clothes.
Better still, buy new clothes especially for gardening. Because hey, any excuse will do. Seriously, though: five minutes with the mower and the hems of my blue jeans were blue no more. They were green. I know green is very this season, but this was taking it to extremes. My shoes were green, too. Way to customise your white trainers! Trainers, by the way, aren't much use on the wet, wet grass. Trainers slip. They slide. They send you careering off across the grass like Torvill or Dean on speed. It's not big and it's not clever. Tip three, then:

3. Wear sensible shoes.
If you're anything like me, the very idea of "sensible shoes" is anathema to you. A broken leg ain't pretty, though. Neither is the sight of your once pristine shoes stained green and ingrained with mud. Trust me on the sensible shoes issue.

So, shoes and clothes dealt with, what about your hands. Tip 4?

4. Wear gloves.
If you're going to be spending any amount of time in the garden at all, a good pair of gloves is one of the best investments you can make. I know this now, of course: it took numerous broken nails and skinned knuckles (one of which has developed an attractive scab after this weekend's farce) for me to find out about the gloves, but I'm glad I did. Mud and weed killer do not a manicure make. You'll be able to use your fingernails as window boxes by the time you're finished if you don't wear your gloves. Enough said.

5. Not everything that looks pretty is a flower.
I discovered this the hard way - after spending thirty minutes carefully tending to a white flowery thing I found growing in our front garden, only for my beloved other half to come out and say, "The garden looks great, babe - but we'll need to get rid of that weed." Some weeds look mighty nice. They're still weeds, though, and they have to go. If, like me, you really can't tell the difference, www.letsgogardening.co.uk has a handy section entitled "know your weeds" (no, not THOSE kind of weeds!). It has pictures and everything - you really can't fail. Unless, obviously, you are me, in which case you can, and probably will fail. Moving along...

6. Buy a strimmer.
Apart from the gloves (and, of course, a lawn mower), its the best gardening investment you'll ever make. I know this because ours broke three months ago and I couldn't be bothered finding out how to fix it, so I've been cutting down the long grass with a pair of kitchen scissors. No, I'm not joking. I really wish I was.

Here's the thing: grass grows longer next to objects such as fences, plant pots and the like. Your lawn mower won't do much to get rid of this mutant grass. Neither, sadly, will the scissors from the kitchen drawer (and you'll really, REALLY hurt your back if you try and do it that way anyway). You need to get a strimmer. They're not expensive. Heck out www.sawandtool.co.uk for a selection starting at around £50, or pop into Homebase and pick one up for around £10. Your back will thank you later. Speaking of sore backs, of course, brings me to tip number seven:

7. Get someone else to cut the grass while you recline in a hot bath with a glass of wine.
You know it makes sense. If you really do want to give it a go - and remember, gardening is the new rock and roll! - follow the tips above for a pain-free (or as pain-free as possible) gardening experience.

And remember - Gardening - it's not JUST for old people!

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